Monday, May 25, 2015

Boot camp

Tomorrow morning is my first day of boot camp. I'm afraid. I'm terrified. I don't have the energy to do laundry. I don't have the strength to stand for over 15 minutes. Why do I think I can do this?

While I was still pregnant, I decided to prevent post-pregnancy weight gain by signing up for this. I knew I'd be very weak to begin with. I wasn't in good shape before getting pregnant, and I was practically on bed rest my entire pregnancy. 

I'm afraid I won't be able to do any of the exercises. I'm afraid I will be too sore to function the rest of the day. I'm afraid I won't even have the energy to get out of the door in the morning to go. And I'm afraid my two kids, that I'm dragging along, won't cooperate with the plan. 

So, instead of getting to bed early so I have more energy, I decided to write down my feelings about this along with my reasons for doing it. Hopefully, this will keep me going tomorrow and in the future when I start questioning if this is a stupid idea. 

1. I like the instructor. Her personality is highly motivating to me. 

2. The peer pressure of this environment is going to push me to keep going. 

3. I need the structure to even get started, on my own I tend to do nothing. 

4. The strength I gain from doing this will make my body hurt less and work better. 

5. This boot camp will provide therapy and healthy eating motivation that I desperately need. 

I really hope this will work out. 

Introducing Corinne

I just had my third baby and I'm turning 30 this year. I weigh 250lbs and I don't want to. Ironically, it isn't "baby weight" at least not directly. I weighed 220 when I was 22, before I had my first baby. During each of my pregnancies I have lost 20 to 30 pounds from being so sick, but afterwards I quickly gained it all back and then some. A year ago I weighed the most I ever have at 285lbs.

I have so many things I blame for the weight. Pregnancy sickness made my muscles atrophy. Pregnancy sickness messed up my relationship with food and cooking. I can trace clear signs of food addiction all the way back to when I was 15.  "Postpartum depression" is the latest culprit, giving me chronic pain and low motivation.

The solution is supposed to be diet and exercise.  Well, I eat when I'm happy, I eat when I'm sad. I eat when I'm lonely, I eat when I'm enjoying time with friends. I eat when I'm bored, I eat when I'm busy. Each of these times I'm describing bad food choices, by the way, I really can't think of any occasion when I make good food choices.

My body hurts too. Is it depression? Excess weight? Regular aging? Arthritis? Fibromyalgia? Cancer? I become such a hypochondriac when I think about it too much. Where does it hurt? Knees, low back, upper back, hands, feet, hips, shoulders, elbows, ankles, and ribs.  All this pain is exhausting and discouraging. How can a person persist in exercising while feeling this way?

I feel so typical in my situation it's disgusting. But documenting "my journey" with a blog No cliche? No, just helpful. And I need all of the help I can get.

(This is me two months ago, the day before giving birth)